Helmer: And can you tell me what I have done to forfeit your love?
Nora: Yes, indeed I can. It was to-night, when the wonderful thing did not happen; then I saw you were not the man I had thought you.
Helmer: Explain yourself better–I don’t understand you.
Nora: I have waited so patiently for eight years; for, goodness knows, I knew very well that wonderful things don’t happen every day. Then this horrible misfortune came upon me, and then I felt quite certain that the wonderful thing was going to happen at last.
Ibsen, A Doll’s House
It’s a huge feat that Nora from A Doll’s House answers Helmer definitively when he asks her to explain why she no longer loves him: “Yes, indeed I can.” Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Don’t wait eight years for someone to prove their love or loyalty. If they didn’t show you these things from the beginning of the relationship, they never will. Unfortunately, Nora could not take such advice because she is likely an Enneagram 2.
The fact that Nora waited year after year hoping that her husband would finally demonstrate his love for her is evidence enough for this label. She says as the dialogue goes on in this scene that even though she wouldn’t want Helmer to take the fall for her, she still thought that he would insist on doing it. Enneagram 2s often test people in regards to love. They also expect others to know what they need without ever articulating it. According to the Enneagram Institute, this type has “the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met.”1 This idea means that they never come out and say what they want or need. So, for this character to boldly speak her truth is so unlike her. We must applaud our little skylark, our doll, our enneagram 2.
Lessons from Nora: Indeed I can
Although what Nora does is brave, biding your time is not living. This character has cut herself off from living fully because she refuses to reveal her thoughts and needs. Holding on to your feelings and emotions instead of sharing them prevents you from experiencing a real life. Anodea Judith, renowned teacher of the chakra system, explains “When we can’t express what happens to us, we deaden ourselves and become more distant from the flow of life, both inside and out.” 2 The less we let out, the more lost we become. If you struggle to articulate your feelings, you simply must practice speaking up. Two things that could be helpful:
- Write out your feelings in a journal or type them out in a document. Read it aloud. Look for patterns and themes. Identify words that you used that might be misconstrued.
- Pretend you’re speaking to the person who isn’t hearing you. Notice where you get stuck in your explanation. Work on articulating that part of what you need to say.
Don’t hesitate as Nora did. How could her life have been different if she had given Helmer a chance to hear her? I believe he might have surprised his wife and that his wife might have surprised him.
Lessons from Nora: Take people at their word
Nora realizes that she’s been living in a doll-like state and abruptly decides to leave her husband. This Enneagram 2 was holding on to her feelings and quietly waiting to be rescued. For eight years, she played a part. And when the cue she was waiting for that would prove her husband’s love for her didn’t come, she bailed. Even though Ibsen’s character is seen as revolutionary, I think we also need to see her as an example of someone disingenuous and deceptive. Yes, Helmer failed her test, but he didn’t know there was one. Wasn’t Nora’s husband just reacting like any normal person would under the circumstances? Plus, Helmer was always the same from the beginning of the marriage. He does not suddenly change the presentation of himself. However, Nora does. It was Nora who could not be taken at her word. Beware of the Nora’s in your life, and if you find yourself hiding your true self from someone you’re connected to–ask yourself why.
